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No 25% [ 1 ]


Yes 75% [ 3 ]

The Forgotten War - Chapter 2 - Underground City

Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 11:44 am

As the lightning hit the ground a lonely soul was standing on his two bruised feet. He stands on the tip of a cliff and allows the heavy rain to pour on him. As the hero stands there he controls the mighty sea and makes it into a giant whirlpool. Slowly as hell breaks loose a giant army of creatures from the hell rise from the whirlpool. As the army swims towards the shore a brave army of men stand on the rainy beach ready to fight. Then from the beach rises a huge tree with extreme strength. The two armies are ready to fight and who knows what will happen? As the war begins, the hero standing on the cliff and turns around to leave but to find a former friend as an enemy. The enemy draws out his sword and lifts it in glory and the war begins. With every hit comes a clashing sound of blades clashing each other. The water begins to rise at an enormous pace and the storm takes control over the sea. As the war continues more creatures rise. The water elementals have been summoned by the witches and war continues as both magic and combat becomes hell. The two heroes clash each other blades with every second of their life being a danger. As both of the heroes see into each other’s souls with their eyes, the enemy has found a great opportunity and struck the hero with a mighty stab. As the enemy claims victory a loud horn blows and is heard by everyone. The horn means retreat as the ‘good’ seem to have finished their goal. As they retreat so does the army of hell. The armies retreat to their home territory and the sky clears. The sun blazing down on the fallen hero burns him. As the hero tries his best to survive the pain was so strong that he couldn’t hold it anymore. As the sun continued to shine down on the fallen hero he slowly loses consciousness and dies. With blood still pouring he grips his sword and stabs himself in the heart. That struck him hard and caused him instant death. The war has proven to be a terrible thing as sides, good and evil lose countless number of men and brings sadness to their hearts. War has become a terrible thing and although they know that they still choose to fight. As the fallen hero leaves the horrible world his soul becomes visible and floats into an unknown territory. The hero has left the world but has chosen to live on. The war is not over and the next time these sides meet, the sight will be bloody…

Last edited by Zero_the_Hero on Thu Sep 11, 2008 1:01 pm; edited 3 times in total

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Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 11:52 am

Its cool man. Prolly better to use dialog though. Character identification is also important, but this is a prologue of sorts so np there.
When you tell a story without dialog its easy to mistakenly use different tenses (past and present most often) in ur sentences, and it has shown here.
I like where this story could go though.
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Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 11:56 am

Like your story sounds like when illidan was standing on the cliff and its raining and he calls the naga to the shore to fight the humans...
But you just reworded with terrible english,
Sorry but this story has been said before.



Now that i read the 2nd bit sounds like your tryna put like FF into it, like there souls go to a place when they die and shit,
Itd be pretty cool if it was original... but yeah.
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Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 10:51 am

The Forgotten War - Chapter 1

The war has been forgotten and no one has ever remembered what happened that day. Though there is still stories told that a mystical school of dark magic has a library. In that library contains every single detail of the war. Many have sought of seeking it but never found it. Now this is where our adventure begins…

In a small village of wizards lives a young one named Zeir. He inherited his dead parent’s house and is currently living in a small house. Zeir has not been the best wizard at school. He has been failing miserably and is always making a fool of himself. With no one to teach him manners he thrives to live in a bizarre world. One sunny morning Zaire has overslept and quickly got his clothes and ran off to the wizard school. When he arrived in the classroom, everyone was staring at him. He sat down and swallowed his toast down his throat. As he quickly opens his textbook to the written page number on the board, the teacher slowly walks toward Zeir. He looks down and does a tiny gulp. The teacher was now yelling at Zeir for being late every lesson. She couldn’t take it anymore. So she drew her wand and in amazement took out a map. On the map the teacher explains the Zeir what the location was. It was the legendary school of dark magic. As soon as she mentioned it the entire class silenced. She told Zeir that no one has ever found this school and if Zaire did find it and brought back the book of the Forgotten War he would not need to attend this school anymore. Zaire took this chance as an opportunity and quickly accepted the odd quest. He quickly runs home to get his wand and book of spells. Zaire was getting an adrenaline rush. He got so excited that once he changed into his robe he slammed the door and left the village immediately. Everyone was happy Zaire left for he has caused many troubles to the village. Though in Zaire’s eyes, he thinks of this quest as a way to redeem his trust and loyalty. As he enters the mystical forest he hears the trees rustle amongst each other. After a couple hours Zaire was still in the forest and the sky has begun to darken. Zaire gathers some sticks and lights it with a fire ball. The fire gave warmth to Zaire and he quickly takes out his sleeping bag to rest in. As he scans for a good spot he finds an odd stone on the floor. He picks it up and on the stone are 2 symbols. One looks like the sun while the other looks like the moon. Though as Zaire focuses, he sees a small human like figure standing between the border of the sun and the moon. He wonders what this stone represents and slowly enters his sleeping bag. He falls asleep with loads of theories on which what the stone is. The next morning Zaire wakes up with a bruised back. He must’ve moved too much during his sleep and scratched his back on pebbles. Zaire quickly remembers the mystical stone and takes it out. Nothing has changed on the stone. Though as Zaire focuses, he realizes the sun has switched sides of the stone. Zaire realizes this stone contains magic and whenever the sun is out it is on the left. And when the moon is out the sun is on the right. Zaire stares at the stone in awe. Quickly he puts the stone in his satchel and continues his journey. The moon flower has disappeared and the road has cleared. Zaire continues his epic journey in order to find the school of dark magic…
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Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 11:31 am

You have to watch a bit of your english.
But apart from that its not going to bad!
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Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 3:01 pm

Thre is one major problem and unless u rectify that i cant rad this. Just divide ur great big wall of words into paragraphs, why dont u? If u cant, just send it to me, i will rectify ur problems and grammar mistakes adn in short, edit it adn then send it back to u. Just pm me, ok?
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Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 3:09 pm



yea i got to admit seeing walls of text is quite an eyesore...

and also (from a psychological point of view), peoples who puts poll in their stories asking if it's good are usually not very confident in their writing... also it'll affect your mood of writing if you see more votes on "no" than "yes". so what i might suggest is that delete the poll, be professional and enjoy the process of story writing no matter what you write

cheers~
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Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 3:07 am

Ok thanks for the advice guys. Although I tried to delete the poll I couldn't. But I will not let that bring me down. I shall just choose to ignore it. Flameseeker I have been thinking and I think you cna help me seperate the paragraphs and everything. Just post on this story your e-mail and I will send it to you everytime. I hope to receive it quickly. Thanks
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Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 5:12 am

Just practice writing. Just remember to cut paragraphs, use very complicated verbs (make sure it makes sense though), and imagination is key. Keep on writing.
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Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 12:59 pm

Chapter 2 – Underground City

As Zeir continues his quest his food begins to run out. Zeir is being heated by the sun and is sweating like crazy. Zeir decides to find a resting spot. After several minutes he finds a nice tree and sits on the ground right next to it. The breeze instantly relaxes Zeir. Although he wanted to find the school as quickly as possible he takes a short nap.

When Zeir woke up he opened his eyes but to see in surprise there was no sun. He looked around and realized he was not on the surface but more like in the under ground! Zeir quickly wakes up and gets the book of spells and creates a candle on the tip of his finger. Zeir walks around in awe. The ruins seem familiar though he does not actually recall of seeing it. After close focusing on some of the literature he remembers this place from an old myth his grandma used to tell him. If he remembers this place this city was once under the sea and was where the Naga lived. Naga were ferocious creatures with an attempt to kill all living things except their own kind. Zeir remembers the leader or the king of the Naga was called Slardar. He was the strongest one and the most intelligent one. Although no one has seen the Naga for almost over 1000 years, Zeir stands in awe as he looks at the city of the Naga. Zeir climbs up a temple and stands at the top. The overview was great and the city was huge! Zeir quickly got off the chair as he realized that Slardar the King used to sit there as he watched over his city. Zeir knew that he needed to get out of here. So Zeir rushes to find an exit.

After several hours of searching, Zeir didn’t find anything. In disappointment he sits and begins to cry. By this time his stomach was growling and he was tired. Zeir thought he was going to die here. Zeir continues to cry but sets up his camp. He continues to cry but sees a finds a way of hope. In the top of the temple there seems to be sunlight shining down. Zeir knew that if he could dig out from there he could get out. So Zeir begins to brainstorm his plan. He saw a trident lying next to the throne and uses that to climb upwards. With the magic that he knows he could make an energy blast and just make a hole big enough to let him out. In excitement Zeir writes it down and begins to sleep. He knew that he would need all the energy to stay alive and get out of here. So Zeir begins to sleep but dear reader the chances of him getting out aren’t high…
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Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 5:35 pm

its ok, improve your grammar and make your chapters longer, then it'll be good
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