Thunder Reborn~Chapter 25:The beginning of the end

Thunder Reborn~Chapter 25:The beginning of the end

Posted on Sat Jul 11, 2009 1:28 pm

Umm...this is my first fanfic so dun flame on me T.T.

Chapter 1

His swiftness and great malevolence was too much for the Sentinel to take.Lightning shot from his mace as if it were the clouds themselves.His power too great for lowly treants of the Sentinel.Give him the chance and 2 or 3 seconds later,your body will be burnt into the depths of hell.He was fast.Real fast.His mace gives him the ability to summon a lightning bolt that was charged with massive amounts of energy to strike multiple foes at once,chaining them into a line of electricity.His experience on the battlefield makes him less prone to attacks and can heal over a period of time and get back in the war once again.His lightning blue aura made him feared by everyone in the Sentinel,even by some of the Scourge.His power was mighty.He was known as the Lightning Revenant.

This was his third year in the current war against the Sentinel.Having participated in many wars before,he found this one particularly interesting.For one,many of his past allies in other wars were on his side and some on the Sentinel's side.Soon he thought,soon he would kill his old friends and enemies.He headed to the battlefield with this thought and who he would kill first.

At the battlefield,many of the Scourge's ghouls were defeated by the treants with the help of Razor's old ally:Jah'rakal.The troll was a beast who fed on speed to kill his enemies.His attacks were too quick for the enemy to see till the extent that they were stunned for a moment.A dangerous but interesting enemy Razor thought."He has stealed many lives that I would have destroyed in a moment."He headed to the treants and proceeded to shoot them with bolts of electricity which set the treants bodies on fire and left them to burn in agony.

"It is you.Teh Lightning Revenant.My old brother.It seems you are working for the Scourge are you not?"

"I work for the people who will give me souls to burn."

"Then its seems our friendship ends here."

Jah'rakal raised his hand and threw an axe at Razor.Razor shocked the axe in mid-air and caused it to fall to the ground.

"Razor,It seems this will be different than usual"

Jah'rakal headed towards Razor and wielded his axes as clubs instead of throwing them.He swung at Razor with all his might.Razor easily avoided his attacks but noticed that the troll was attacking faster after each attack."His attacking speed used to be constant" he thought.Razor shot bolts of electricity at the troll and managed to push him back a bit.Jah'rakal somersaulted forward towards Razor and started hitting him with his axes again.Razor couldn't avoid them this time.Jah'rakal had focused his strength into his arms.He attack at a monstrous rate and even Razor couldn't stop it.Razor's armour was cut up in an instant and he decided to fight back.His mace suddenly glowed and a bolt of lightning was charged up into it,bigger than usual.He shot it straight at Jah'rakal's abdomen and the troll's whole body started to glow in the same way the mace did.The lightning gathered into a bolt and moved away from Jah'rakal's body and into the treants which were sent to reinforce Jah'rakal.Jah'rakal knelt on the floor.His axes were completely destroyed and he had no form of attack.Razor towered above him,raised his mace and struck him down.The troll was helpless.Razor shot another bolt at the troll's body.It was burnt black and Jah'rakal couldn't take anymore.

"Finish it Razor.As an old ally,do me a favour and end my torment."

"If I'm not wrong.Our relationship ended a moment ago."

Razor left the troll to die by the ring of burning treants around him.The troll was furious.Even if he did end the friendship,the least Razor would have done was kill him instantly instead of letting him feel this much pain before he met Elune.He gathered all his remaining strength and picked up his axes which had melted into pieces of metal and ran towards Razor's turned back.He smashed the piece of metal into the revenant's back and fell to his knees.The lightning revenant roared in pain and turned towards the troll.He smashed his mace into the Jah'rakal's skull.

"You shouldn't have done that."

A bolt of electricity formed in the mace which was bashed into the troll's crushed skull and in an instant,the troll imploded into pieces of meat as Razor floated back towards his base.

Suddenly,a black figure emerged from below Razor and took him down under.In the forest where the old soldiers of the wars reigned.Razor was shot out of the ground and the black figure revealed himself.The figure threw a black dagger at Razor before Razor could do anything.The revenant's abdomen was now pierced in two places.

"Spectre...why...you..."

End of chapter

Haha I thought since it was the first chapter I would start out big.Any tips and help would be nice. =)

Last edited by Mirnava on Mon Nov 30, 2009 2:17 am; edited 27 times in total

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Re: Thunder Reborn

Posted on Sat Jul 11, 2009 3:22 pm

Well, i am not qualified enough for this but, let me try.


As far as i get this sentence, it's shoot, not shot, and it's was, not were. If you meant clouds as plural, then it's themselves, not itself.



His lightning blue aura made him feared by everyone in the Sentinel, even by some of the Scourge.



This sounds awkward."He thought,soon he would kill his old friends and enemies."



imo, that is better then which...But w8 for gunslider's comment.



Was that Razor talking, or Troll?(Question, not a correction)



typo (which=with)



first into=on, so that it doesn't sound awkward(i haven't understood the sentence, so don't blame me if this was a mistake)



Try something like this: Jah'rakal focused all his muscles into his arms.

Also, in that part, you repeated Jah'rakal 9 times.Try replacing it with He, or The Troll, Troll Warlord, and stuff like that.




His name is not necessary.



"by fire of burning treants around him" sounds much better

Mercurial is a shemale...

That, and some other typos...Ask Gunslider for full report. This is not a flame, just saying the mistakes. Go to my fanfic, and see how much work he put in writting my mistakes .Also, i am a beginner fanfic writter myself .

Story is good, nice way to keep people w8ing for more. Continue.[/s]
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Posted on Sat Jul 11, 2009 3:39 pm

^ OMG thanks alot man!you really looked at most of my mistakes and helped me correct them.Thanks alot man i'll take a look at ur fanfic now =)

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Posted on Sat Jul 11, 2009 3:57 pm

@Felix - man...*FACEPALM*



This is about the only thing you got right in your whole post.



Wrong, its supposed to be shot. Past tense. But it is supposed to be themselves, you got that right.



This sounds about as akward as his sentence.



His sentence is actual fine. Yours sounds akward. Since his sentence is "Soon, he thought, soon he would kill his old friends and enemies." which is completly fine.



*FACEPALM* no, he can't jump on a somersault, nor can he jump into a somersault. Don't you know what a somersault is? Heres a hint: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somersault - so it should be "he preformed a somersault" or "he somersaulted" or something like that
Also, he can't jump into Razors front. He can jump infront of Razor. So, in the sentece it sohuld be "he jumped infront of Razor..." and so on.



My god, no. He cannot focus all his muscles into his arms, replace the word "muscles" with "strenght" and this sentence will work.

And yeah, you should not use Jah'rakal that often, it sounds bad.



ugh, that is also wrong - there should be a "the" before "fire" and "treants" which would make the sentence sound bad. So, it should actualy be something like "Razor left the troll to burn along with the treants around him." or something like that. The sentence cannot work the way you tried to amke it work. Well atleast it can't work withouth sounding bad.


I will look through the text later, now I just HAD to stop Felix from misleading you
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Last edited by TheGunslinger on Mon Dec 21, 2012 0:00 am; edited 666 time in total

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Posted on Sat Jul 11, 2009 4:10 pm

LOL at both of you..
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Posted on Sat Jul 11, 2009 4:24 pm

Gunslinger already commented on most of the things that I wanted to comment on as well but here are a few extra tips:

Try to disperse your paragraph blocks into smaller ones so that it's easier on the eyes. Walls of text are to be avoided as much as possible.

Please describe well. Try to paint a picture of the scene in the minds of your readers. Though this is pretty ironic coming from me since I too, fail to do this on occasion.

An example in your story is the treants. Of course, the members of this site will know what a treant is but those who don't play dota or warcraft will not. Try writing for an audience that knows nothing about your topic or story and you may do better.
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Posted on Sat Jul 11, 2009 7:07 pm

On 4th quote, i haven't seen the (,) sign...But soon is still repeated 2 times in a sentence...When i did something like that, it was a must to correct...

5th quote is same as 4th...And i was just guessing what somersault was, cause i couldn't find it in dictionary XD...

Man, stop bugging me with those the and a .But you were right, it then sounds stupid.

For the 2nd quote, i said as far as i get it .Sentence confused me too much...

Now w8 here till i execute my punishment for acting like a idiot.




*FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM* *FACEPALM*
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Posted on Sun Jul 12, 2009 5:13 am

Welcome to the Fanfic Section Mirnava, i hope you would write more fanfic stories and contribute to the rich history of fanfics here in DS, I would advise you to listen to gunslinger and rzfx, since their advices can help you greatly, on the other hand.. feel free to read their fanfic's too since it can give you some help in writing better stories from this time on..
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Posted on Sun Jul 12, 2009 5:14 am

K thanks a lot guys the tips and corrections really helped!I'll try my best to do what all of you said.

Chapter 2

Razor was in a bad situation.He had two holes in his body and a spectre in front of him.The spectre was none other than Mercurial,the infamous assassin and personal bodyguard to the Lich King himself.

"Mercurial...what are you doing..?"

"It seems your arrogance has got the better of you oh revenant.I have been ordered by my master to dispose of you before you become a threat to us."

"You mean the Lich King ordered you to slay me?"

"The Lich King is not my true master.He is only a tool in 'our' plans."

"Mercurial you traitor...how could you betray the great Ner'zhul!?"

Mercurial was silent.Shee raised his chakram towards Razor,indicating that he would cut him up.It was only the 2 of them.In the deserted forest where old warriors of the war settled down,it was only advantageous to Mercurial.Razor noticed the spectre's chakram turning darker and darker.

Razor knew it immediately.It was the special ability that Mercurial had.The lesser people there are around,the more powerful she gets.Razor knew he couldn't defend himself against such a massive weapon.He got up and tried to attack Mercurial before she sliced him first.Razor was badly injured and caused his bolts to ricochet off the ground and into trees,lighting them up in the process.

He gathered lightning into his mace for the last time.It glowed blue and bright.Razor aimed it at Mercurial who had moved in front of him.As the lightning bolt shot out,the spectre suddenly disappeared.Razor was shocked for an instant before he realized what had happen.

Mercurial had used the same move he used to bring Razor to the place he was now.It was known as a haunting.Razor could only breathe for another second.Mercurial reappeared behind the revenant and cut him from his shoulder downwards between the two holes in his abdomen.

The built up energy in the chakram as a result of Razor's desolation was released in waves of black energy which engulfed him in darkness.

"The job is done" said the spectre.

"You have done well Mercurial...For the Lightning Revenant is a dangerous one and can foil our master's plans."

The owner of the voice stepped out of the shadows and revealed himself to be Rexxar,the Beastmaster.

"You will go back to the Lich King and tell him that the neutrals have slain him and I will tell Furion the same thing."

Mercurial nodded in agreement and vanished into the shadows.Just as she did,lots of footsteps were heard and the Dragon Knight,Davion appeared with a squad of treants.

"Rexxar!What has happened here!?"

Rexxar,although surprised by the sudden appearance of the knight,he kept his cool.

"The Lightning Revenant...he is dead.The neutrals have slain him."

"Then it seems it concerns the Scourge,not us."

But as Davion said that,he started to get suspicious.He had fought alongside and against Razor before.There was no way he could be killed by old soldiers and creatures.No,he must bring the body back.

"The Scourge have not arrived to get him.We shall bring him back."

Rexxar was taken aback by Davion's words.

"But like you said,it does not concern us.Let us leave him here."

"Yes,it does not concern us.But if the Scourge take him back,he will be revived once more and then it will concern us."

Rexxar dare not argue lest Davion became suspicious."Change of plans" he thought.

Back at the Sentinel base,the generals were having a meeting with Furion about the body.Davion told Furion about what he saw.

"When I got there,the body was engulfed in a darkness that only one person could manipulate.Spectre."

The second general Kardel Sharpeye,famed sniper who was outmatched by no one,spoke up.

"But surely you do not suspect betrayal?"

Then another voice was heard.

"The Scourge are capable of anything oh Dwarf."

"Yes,Luna is right.The Scourge would do anything to win this war." Furion muttered.

"Then what should we do?" Davion asked.

"It is sad to see someone betrayed by his own comrades for the sake of victory...We should...."

Furion was afraid he was going to regret what he was about to say.

"We should revive him and make him a warrior of the Sentinel."


End of Chapter

K I've tried my best to describe them as much as I can.Thanks alot for the help once again!

Edit:Corrected those mistakes that Gunslinger has pointed out

Last edited by Mirnava on Tue Jul 14, 2009 7:06 am; edited 3 times in total

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Posted on Sun Jul 12, 2009 5:23 am

nice.. I like the fact that your plot is something more unique in a way.. this is interesting in a way that i'm getting curious.. nice hang you got there.. and an awesome twist.. i expect more chapters from you
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Posted on Sun Jul 12, 2009 6:06 am

Thanks alot tesca for the encouragement =) btw I watch abit of Samurai X too xD

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Posted on Sun Jul 12, 2009 7:29 am

Chapter 3

The whole tent went silent and everyone looked at Furion with shocked faces.

"You don't expect us to be his ally do you?" exclaimed Mirana.

"Listen,I know all of you are shocked but this is a risk I am willing to take.Many of you have fought alongside Razor before when he was younger.He never killed people.That was until,he met Ner'Zhul.I think that we can bring Razor back from Ner'Zhul's clutches."

"No!He has killed too many for him to go back now.Jah'rakal our longtime friend was killed just hours ago!How could you suggest we make him our ally now?"

"Fine.If you do not see this the way I do.Then we shall put him through Elune's test."

Suddenly,all of them stopped talking.Elune's test was a test when people were in dispute whether to revive a person or not.The test requires a spell which would send the soul of the dead to Elune,who would judge if he or she is worthy of living once more.

"Good.I can assure you that Razor will never be allowed to live again!" shouted Zeus,the Thundergod.

"Please Zeus.Do not interfere in this matter.Although it involves the gods,it would be an insult to us if you ask Elune to be biased."

The small dwarve took his hammer and went out of the tent,not saying a word as a hawk perched on top of the tent flew off.

Rexxar who was eating with his squad of treants(no don't ask me how a treant eats xD) was still thinking about what they were going to do with Razor.He thought,"the meeting should be finished by now." He walked out of his tent and looked around."Nope.No one around."Suddenly a hawk came flying towards Rexxar,whom lifted up his hand.The hawk slowed down instantly and perched itself upon Rexxar's hand.

The beastmaster lifted his other hand and touched the hawk's head.Instantly,he saw and heard what was discussed in the meeting.Being a beastmaster,it was fairly easy to communicate and live with beasts.He lifted his hand from the hawk's head and was puzzled."So...they are going to revive him then." He went back to his tent and laid the bird on the table.He took out a piece of paper and plucked a feather from the bird.He took the end of the feather and dipped it in ink and proceeded to write on the paper.



Spectre,I'm afraid I have bad news.Furion has gotten hold of Razor's body and is going to revive him,but not unless he completes Elune's test.We need to come up with a plan.Tell Master about this matter and ask him for advice on what to do.I'm sure they are suspecting me now so I can't meet with the organization for now.Since members of the organization are not allowed to reveal themselves unless found out,you are the only one I can trust.

Rexxar

He placed the parchment in a rectangular bag and attached it to the hawk."Bring this to Spectre" he told the hawk telepathically as he held its head.The hawk flew off and in an instant he felt a presence behind him.He turned around and drew his axes.

"Who goes there?"

"Relax Rexxar.Its just me."

From the shadows,a draenei walked out.The draenei was known to many as Gondar but to others,the 'Hunter of Gold."

"What are you doing here Gondar?It is rare that you come for a visit to my tent.Come come let us go in and have a chat."

"No need oh beastmaster,I just happened to pass by and thought I would say hi.But it seems you have problems of you own."

Before the beastmaster could ask him what he meant the Bounty Hunter dissapeared."Damn his Wind-walking.He must be going to tell Furion about me" Rexxar ran towards Furion's camp in hope that he could deny any accusations.

As he left,Gondar reappeared at the same spot he disappeared,indicating that he didn't move at all.He called for his courier and gave it a letter.

Rexxar does not suspect me.He thinks that I have found him out.You were right,he is getting agitated now that he is being suspected.You were also right that he might blow his cover.So Master,should I kill him if he blew his cover?

The bounty hunter smiled to himself and walked away.For it was time for Elune's test.

All the generals met in Furion's tent and when Rexxar got there,he saw Gondar who had beaten him there and immediately his body turned cold.He started to sweat,"has he told them about me already?"He took his seat and realized that no one was probing him for anything.

"It will begin now" said Furion.

He took out an ancient scroll and laid it in front of Razor's body.He started to chant mystical words as the scroll lit up and the generals looked in awe.It was rare for someone to go through Elune's test so they would remember it as much as they could.

Suddenly,A bolt of energy rose from the scroll and into Razor's head.The energy disappeared and nothing happened after that.Everyone gazed in awe.

"Was he rejected?" was everyone's question.Furion shook his head and asked for patience.

"Where am I....Its bright...I hate it..."

A wisp of light appeared before the revenant and said nothing.

"Who are you...."

"Many people refer to me as the Goddess of the Moon but I am known as Elune."

End of Chapter

Last edited by Mirnava on Tue Jul 14, 2009 7:06 am; edited 1 time in total

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Posted on Sun Jul 12, 2009 1:58 pm

Wow, page 1 was just like attending an English lesson. I see what your trying to write, but the typos and gramatical errors are making your fan fic just plaib, otherwise one could just comment with terms like superb or outstanding. Fix those problems and you notice a difference.
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Posted on Sun Jul 12, 2009 2:09 pm

Awesome story It's amazing how creative some people can be

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Posted on Sun Jul 12, 2009 8:12 pm

Just (hire) ask gunslider to help out, like i did... . Great chapters...But i dare not say more...

btw, if it's any comfort, my English is much worse
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