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Aftermath

Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 1:48 pm

Something I wrote when I was bored the other day. Guess you could think of it as some sort of a prologue. Comments on it please?

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Aftermath

I clamber over the remains of a cramped food store. Groping along in the dark. My feet hit the ground after I heave myself over the side, and the sound of breaking glass echoes into the night.

I can make out the silhouette of one or two people amongst the rubble. As I notice that this surprised me, I let out a muffled, hysterical snort. Each day I expect to see the usual flurry of people in these streets. Those people are gone now: thousands of books, closed prior to the anticipated date of completion.

The flickering of lit torches comes into view as I wander further down the street. The nearer I get, the more audible are their mutated voices. Mutated, changed, by the extensive and prolonged grief and despair experienced by the voices’ owners. As per usual, I join the now familiar, but also distant crowd.

I smell the concrete graves as we float aimlessly along these streets. Each of us hear, see and inwardly become a part of memories replaying themselves on the sidewalk. I hear the spectral voices of the friends and family I once had.

As we continue down the road, I realise that I am all alone in this crowd. The heavy clouds above start to break, and I break away from the group. The pelting rain accentuates the emanating cold coming from the tarred road.

Now physically alone, I can feel their eyes boring into my back. Finally, I hear their feet robotically shuffling along again. The rain pierces through my worn-out clothes; its icy burn stinging my skin. A moment of immobility. A moment in which to reflect on the past. A moment is enough, and the deafening silence crashes down on me.

Now I close my eyes and tilt my face skyward. The rain makes its descent more gently towards me now; blissfully caressing my face. I look over my shoulder, gazing back at the lifeless city behind me. I turn my head and fix my eyes on my goal: the unknown. I take a deep breath, and step forward.
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Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 1:57 pm

You are trying too much. It's hard to make out what is exactly happening, because you are using too many words to describe everything, describing simple things with too complicated words or with too many words. This can be largely simplified, to sound better, and be more understandable. Because, as it is, it's not clear enough. It kinda reminds me of Amanda McKittrick Ros.
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Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 1:59 pm

Its called descriptive writing.
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Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 2:03 pm

It's too descriptive - up to the point that you cannot make up what the character is doing. Basically, you overdid it. Don't get angry, I'm just pointing out what I think is wrong about it.
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Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 2:06 pm

I'm not angry, but from what I have read from you, I feel that you tend to think yourself somewhat superior. Quote something from the piece where you don't know what is happening, and I'll try to elaborate on that.
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Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 2:19 pm

I do not consider myself superior. Frankly, I consider everything I write crap, until someone who has read it says otherwise. And I can see from your comments that you are somewhat angry, probably because I compared you with Amanda McKittrick Ros - that was supposed to be a joke by the way.

I commented on this, purely because I saw it had potential, and I wanted to see something good come out of it.

And you read my piece and tell me what you think in the comments there, so we can be fair and square.
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Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 2:23 pm

I am not angry . I just want you to elaborate on any part in my piece which you, as you put it, find hard to understand.
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Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 2:24 pm

LOL Reminds me of Dickens--Got paid by the word! XD...it is possible to be OVER descriptive in descriptive writing.

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Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 2:29 pm

I know that. I just do not agree that I am being over-descriptive in this particular piece.
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Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 2:30 pm

Everything. The whole thing. Mostly the last three paragraphs(but not the last one) ^_^ anyhow, you can replace words like: clamber, groping, accentuates, pelting, inwardly etc. with simpler words, while still retaining the meaning you wanted.
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Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 2:35 pm

its too hard for a kid like me to understand such deep english ^^
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Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 2:37 pm

Those are just strong verbs. So you are saying that I am just using too strong words, and am not really over-describing, as in the sense of purple-passages etc.

So indirectly you are suggesting that the sentences:

'Feeling along in the dark.'
AND
'I climb over the remains...'

are better sentences than

'Groping along in the dark.'
AND
'I clamber over the remains...'

?

To me thats just a style, and I like using strong verbs since I feel that I have the vocabulary for it. My goal with this piece was to write intensively , intimately and reflectively about a short space of time.
I find it quite odd that you point this out, since I have never been criticized on using arguably strong words before.
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Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 2:45 pm

Yes, I am kinda saying that, but not really - what I meant is, that those are uncommon words, words you don't use every day, or even once a month. Also, sentences like "The pelting rain accentuates the emanating cold coming from the tarred road." can be said in a simpler manner, while still having an impact on the readers - that sentence sounds like a science essay as it is now. Also, when writing from a first person perspective, you want the readers to identify with the character, to put themselves in his shoes - it is hard to do that when the character is thinking/speaking in an uncommon manner. Most people will never use words like groping or clamber to describe their own actions. We understand what those words mean, but it is hard for us to identify with them.

I hope you get my point ^_^
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Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 2:51 pm

i did not mean u use too strong words.thats your style and your own way of writing.they're uncommon words and i had to look though the dictionary.no offense
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Last edited by HotMegan[Fox] on Mon Nov 02, 2009 2:54 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 2:52 pm

Yes thanks now I'm sort of getting what you are trying to say, you had me a bit confused when you said its too descriptive. I still don't really agree with you. I think that its true in a sense, but you should also remember that you have different categories of people to whom you are writing. I mean you won't find the same words used in LOTR in say, the first installment in the Harry Potter series (for lack of being able to think of a better example).
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