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Dark_Phoen1x

Dominating Posts: 187 Joined: 20 Jan 2007 5483 gold

Anub'Arak's daily routine!

Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 10:28 pm

======================THE BEGINNING=========================

An alarm clock rings.
Broodmother:"Come on Anub, wake up. It’s eight o'clock!"
Anub'Arak:"Please mom, I don't wanna go to school today."
Broodmother:"I'm not your mother, I’m your wife."
Anub"Arak:"Ok, ok I’ll get up in a minute."
**half an hour later**
Broodmother:"WAKE THE -bleep- UP LAZY BUG!!!!!!!"
Anub'Arak:"No need to shout, baby. I was just testing your awareness. And why do you wake me up? It’s Sunday and I don't work today."
Broodmother:"Yeah, yeah. Now wash your teeth, have a shower and get ready to go to the gym."
Anub'Arak:"WTF? I've told you that I'm not fat. The spikes make me show 'overweight'."
Broodmother:"Just look at you at the mirror and compare yourself to Pudge."
Anub'Arak:"He's such a fatty!"
Broodmother:"No he's not, he is soooooo pumped up. Look at his muscles!"
Anub'Arak:"He has been killstealing for the last two months. What did you expect?"
Broodmother:"Well, you should have found somebody else to borrow that money. That’s the way you paid him back."
Anub'Arak:"Ok, ok I will go. But wait....Where are my spikes?"
Broodmother:"I'm washing them. So I bought you some T-shirts and jeans to wear today."
Anub'Arak:"F@ck."
Anub'Arak enters Anub'Seran's room.
Anub'Arak:"'Sup son?"
Seran makes a strange up-and-down action with his hand, watching something on the video.
Anub'Seran:"Watching Rylai and Purist in private scenes?"
Anub'Arak:"I told you to try to control your 'addiction'......BUT THIS ONE ROXXXXXXXX! Make some room, I want to see that."
Anub'Seran:"Hey, hey, hey! Hmmmm. Ok, but only if you lend me some money. Akasha has a party tonight and I don't want to miss it."
Anub'Arak:"Damn you Rylai. Ok."
Anub'Arak arrives at the gym.
Anub'Arak:"Shit. I should have bought a car. Got sick of walking. Hey Lich, what's up man?"
Kel'Thuzad:"You will not understand how great I fell until you have sex with Crobelus. That bitch knows some freaking poses...."
Anub'Arak:"Yeah, I have Broodmother and I know how you feel."
Lich:"Mama in nothing compared to Crobby."
Anub'Arak:"How the -bleep- do you know that? Are those skeleton-spiders yours?????"
Lich:(LIES)"You insult me......Of course not."
Anub'Arak:"Ok. I feel much better now...And what do you hold?'The Little Red Riding Hood' book? Do you read that stuff???"
Kel'Thuzad:"Yes...I mean NO. The Lich King requested me to buy him this book. He says that it will help him destroy the Sentinels."
Anub'Seran:"Whatever. At least you, I mean he, doesn't read 'the three little pigs'. BB"
After a tiresome day at guy Anub'Arak returns home.
Broodmother:"Honey, the boss called. He said that Clickz was backdooring a lot lately, so he got banned by some noobz. Bones was a member of a secret expedition behind the enemy's lines and as long as he is no longer available, you become the missing member. You must visit him tomorrow morning."
Anub'Arak:"Well.....-bleep-!!!!!!!!!It was my turn to camp and kill neutrals for the whole day tomorrow. Ok, ok, relax, take it easy. It won't be something dangerous. It will be like the previous time *whispers to self* we're gonna take some photos of Lina while she's bathing. Thnx sweetie. What's for dinner?"
Broodmother:"Gnolls....But for you salad."
Anub'Arak:"Damn. At least I will eat out tomorrow....."

Got sick of typing......This is warm up prologue. Depending on the poll I'm gonna continue or not.

=====================THE NEXT DAY==========================
Anub'Arak:"Ner'Zhul, Lich King, lord of the Undead, LK, commander of the Scourge, ruler of the world, big boss, 'iceman', Daddy, 'I’m-frozen-in-here' guy, Mr. big tool, bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla.......Errrrm, what did I want to say?"
LK:"Greet me?"
Anub:"Yes my lord. Ner'Zhul, Lich King"
LK:"STFU and just say hello I brought the pizza you ordered."
Anub:"I'm not a pizza boy, Boss. I am Anub'Arak, the Nerubian Assassins....You called yesterday and ordered me to visit you."
LK:"Oh yes, I 'visited' your wife and ordered her to inform you."
Anub:"She said you called."
LK:"*whispers to self*stupid bitch. Yes Anub'Arak, I visited her first and then I called to say something I forgot.
Anub:"Ok my lord. Now which is the secret mission you wanted to assign me. How will I aid to destroy the Sentinels?"
LK:"Sentinels?"
Anub:"Yes my lord, the Sentinels, out enemies."
LK:"I don't know any Sentinels...Do I owe them money?"
Anub:"Have you been smoking Barathrum's 'peace pipe' lately?"
LK:"Yes, I mean NO, I mean, it helps me to concentrate."
Anub:"Atropos! Brain sap!"
Atropos arrivers, gets his spade, wears a helmet, opens a torch and gets ready to dig Lich King's skull.
Anub:"WTF? NO idiot!'FIX' his brain! Our best quality stuff."
Atropos:"Soz. Damn I have always wanted to be dwarf and dig holes."
Anub:"-.-"
Atropos makes a 'cigarette' with nine-edged leaves and puts it into LK's mouth.
Atropos:"Do you have a lighter?"
Anub:"OMG, noob allies....."
After 'fixing' Boss's mind, our brave hero learns what lies before him.
LK:"So Anub your secret mission is a very dangerous one. You must travel to the enemy's base"
Anub:"Gladly my lord!"
LK:"Don't interrupt me please. When, and if, you make it, you must come in contact with one of the merchants"
Anub:"It will be done!"
LK:"Goddamit don't -bleep- interrupt again me you piece of bug-shit. As I said, after coming in contact with the merchant you must steal 25620689304250496289563295 Ironwood Branches."
Anub:"What?"
LK:"Just look at the text I typed, it hasn't disappeared yet."
Anub:"Boss you can't carry all that stuff. We all have 6 item slots."
LK:"No, I just want to build a tree house and I want it to be stable and safe."
Everyone looks strangely at the Lich King.
LK:"What? I just want to read comics with my friends there. You Anub'Arak, despite being one of my elite agents, will be accompanied by some more Scourge generals."
Anub:"As you wish my king."
LK:"And number one is......: Barathrum!"
A red curtain opens and a huge bull with a really big 'cigarette' raises his hand.

(How big the 'cigarette' is).
LK:"Errrrm...Forget him. Number two is.....LION!"
A blue curtain open and what all can see is

LK:"I said Lion not drunk kitten."
Lion:"*hik* guys I will be alright in about 2 hours. I hexed myself accidentally."*falls asleep*
Anub:"Shit."
LK:"Damn. Ok number three is......Nevermore!"
A black curtain opens and a huge black demon appears.
Nevermore:"Greetings. I shall serve."
LK:"Number ten is......"
Anub:"Boss its number four."
LK:"Number four is AXE!"
A pink curtain opens and Axe appears in a ballet dress.
Axe:"Oh shit, not now you -bleep- weakling!"
The curtain closes.
LK:"They will come with you."
Anub:"If I have no other choice....My lord I would like to ask you where Bone Clickz is now, after being banned."
LK:"Blizzard guys are checking the replay. But his current location is............ OUTSIDE!"
Everyone screams.
Anub:"You mean..."
LK:"Yes, I mean.... in the real world! He is helping Icefrog to develop newer versions of DotA. He will bring souvenirs to all of us."
Anub:"But Bonez doesn't know a shit about computers."
LK:"Does Icefrog know? Before you leave for your mission, you must add another member to your Fellowship, I mean team. He is a traitor...."
Anub:"Who?"
LK:"Everyone pay attention! Our glorious Scourge has a new member! And that member is....Smokey!
A spirit bear enters the room and everyone greets it.
Anub:"WTF? Bearman's bear?"
LK:"Yes, that guy was raping his creature for a long time. But he was arrested and Smokey was sent to his closest relative, Barathrum. That's why he's called Smokey."
Barathrum puts a 'cigarette' in Smokey's mouth and fires it.
LK:"And yes Smokey will follow you as an inexperienced -noobzord- member of the team."
Anub:"FFS."

Phew, that was long. Hope you like it.
Wondering why Axe was in a ballet dress? Keep commenting and voting well and i will continue my story.

===================TOWARDS GLORY WE MARCH!==================

Our brave heroes are about to begin their mission.
Anub:"Ok guys, everyone ready?"
Nevermore:"I am ready to steal their souls."
Axe:"I am ready to dance errrrr KILL!"
Smokey:"Cookie?"
Anub:"No cookies right now comrade Smokey. Do all of you have your most needed items with you?"
Axe:"I have my axe and battle lust with me."
Nevermore:"I have my soul-stealing book, a scepter of unimaginable power, scrolls of city teleportation, tents, mosquito-repellers, Luna's topless photos to decorate our tents with, my laptop PC to download porn, Axe's 'Swan Lake" CD, magazines, my full of clothes wardrobe, drugs, a very sophisticated long range laser artillery with combo rockets and a retractable bazooka, 1-2dichlorobenzene, sushi and my credit cards."
Anub:"ZzZzZZZzZzZzZ, ehmm thank you for being so detailed Nevermore. Now march! For the Scourge!"
Nevermore:"For the Scourge!"
Axe:"For the Scourge!"
Smokey:"For Milan!"
Unknown:"Wait, you forgot me!"
You?
Lion:"Shit, they're gone. Thanks moron, I just needed two hours to......regain my mana. Stop being a racist against unsuccessful heroes!"
Lion, you are a successful hero.
Lion:"I want to be Catwoman's partner!"
FU and get lost, before Jah'Rakal pops lots of white pills into his mouth and starts whacking you like someone who popped lots of white pills into his mouth.
Lion:"I have to go now. I'm writing an exam about using Finger of Death tomorrow. We will meet again!"
Now, the wise and cool writer can continue his story.
A car passes by our heroes and female tourists come out.
Tourist:"Excuse me gentlemen, do you know where the frozen throne is? Our guide got drunk in the river and we can't find our way now."
Nevermore:"Of course my ladies. Here, have a brochure for the Frozen Throne. There is a map at the last page."
Tourist:"Thank you sir."
Smokey:"Cookie?"
Nevermore:"NO. If you stay for some more time here, i will gladly show you around."
The tourist smiles naughtily to Nevermore, gets into the car and goes away.
Axe:"Wow, Nevermore, you are so cool with women."
Nevermore:"Women like me 'coz I'm black."
Anub:"But you are a firelord. How did you get black?"
Nevermore:"I got over toasted."
Anub:"What?"
Nevermore:"Lina was in the same class with me at college (she was such a nerd).One night she asked me to come to her house to study together. She ended up 'riding' me. But I put my finger into her ass and bam I got black."
Anub:"Holy....shit. And how did you become a shadow fiend?"
Nevermore:"Actually Lina's dad arrested me"
Axe:"I did that too, but I wasn't arrested."
Anub:"Me neither."
Smokey:"Me neither. Cookies?"
Every creature that was around:"Me neither."
Nevermore:"Ermm, ok. I studied demonology and soul manipulation while i was in prison."
Axe:"Cool. Have some cookies you damn hungry creature."
Axe throws some cookies far away and Smokey runs to get them.
Axe:"We got rid of him."
Anub:"At last. Let's keep moving."
After many hours of walking and many many stops at taverns (Axe was constipated), our heroes reached the river that divides the Sentinels' territory and Scourge's.
Anub:"At last, the river!"
Axe:"At last, another toilet."
Nevermore:"Axe that's the tourist's guide. He's dead and just has his mouth open."
Anub:"Too late."
EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW
Axe:"Oh yeah, I feel much better now."
Anub:"Yeas we can see that. The corpse descended."
Nevermore:"Anub'Arak, we are close to our enemies. I think should scout ahead."
Anub:"No need. We have my son's watchers! Hmmm, watcher number one sees.....Traxex and Akasha?"
Axe:"That dildo is soooooo long. I hope Akasha puts it into Traxex's"
Anub:"Watcher number two sees......Banehallow and Luna's Panther?"
Nevermore:"That's what I call animal sex!"
Anub(hastily):"Number three...... Magina, Luna, Lanaya, Terrorblade, Mirana, Mortred."
Axe:"Night elf orgy! Why don't you create a porn channel?"
Nevermore:"Give me that! Number four....WTF? Smokey and Rylai?"
Axe:"ZOMFGWTFROFLMAO! My turn! Finally, number five ...Slardar and Medusa??!!!"
Now that's EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Nevermore:"At least Medusa was wearing fishnets."
Anub:"And she caught a really big fish. I need some walkie-talkie stuff to communicate with them, so let's forget the watchers."
Suddenly a huge panda appeared.
Magnix:"You shall not defile this tower enemies. I, Magnix the Pandaren Drugdealer erm Porndealer erm FYCK the Pandaren Brewmaster will destroy you all!!FUJITSU!!!!! Kau-ja-kao!!!Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-ja!"
Before the panda attacks, some activists appear and capture him.
Activist:"GJ guys. We made it! Now this defenseless creature will go to Beijing Zoo."
Magnix:"WTF?"
Axe:"Ganked by ..... Activists?"
Nevermore:"LOL."
Anub:"Keep moving."

That's it for tonight. Next part coming soon.

===================BROTHERS IN ARMS=========================

After neutralizing Magnix's threat, the three heroes continue to move behind the enemy's lines.
Axe:"I'm hungry. Nevermore do you have something to eat?"
Nevermore:"Damn, no."
Anub:"WTF? You brought all that useless stuff and you didn't bring something to eat?"
Nevermore:"Nothing I bring with me is ever useless."
Anub:"Shhh, don't shout. Wait. Do you hear that?"
The heroes hide in the nearest bushes and wait for the enemy to come closer. After five minutes Lina arrives.
Lina:"Damn stupid moron Davion. I have told everyone that I don't accept credit cards for my services."
Anub:"When she turns her back, you all know what to do."
Lina turns her back to the Scourge heroes.
Anub:"Nine out of ten. I don't like her hair."
Axe:"Me neither. Nine point five."
Nevermore:"I'm much more experienced than you, so I will give her ten out of ten. Summary nine point five."
Lina blows a kiss towards Nevermore and goes to kill some ghouls, as she own money to Leragas for her new strings."
Then Rylai and Traxex appear, holding each other's hand after last night's threesome with Huskar, and earn a ten out of ten and nine out of ten each one.
Anub:"Good job everyone. We managed to remain undetected."
After marching all the day our heroes stopped to rest at night. After setting a fortress-camp using Nevermore's stuff like guns, chemicals electromagnetic walls and hiring mercenaries, they were safe.
Anub:"Wow, Nevermore you were right. None of your shit was useless."
Nevermore:"No it isn't."
Anub:"Erm Axe may I ask you something? Why are you so addicted to dancing?"
Axe:"'Coz dancing is my life! I have always loved dancing; ever since I was a kid I was practicing and taking part in competitions."
Anub:"Yes, but you seem to be addicted to ballet."
Axe:"Yes it is my greatest challenge! My parents didn't allow me to learn ballet, so I had to exercise during nighttime all alone."
Anub:"WOW."
Axe:"I even took part in a ballet competition once."
Nevermore:"Did you win?"
Axe:"No. A gay cobold took the prize."
Anub'Arak's mobile phone rings.
Anub'Seran:"Dad, a bitch called and she said 'seven days'. What do I do?"
Anub'Arak:"Ask her if she wants a seven days croissant."
Anub'Seran:"She said no. She mentioned something about a cassette."
Anub'Arak:"Stop renting cassettes and forgetting to give them back to the video club!"
Anub'Seran:"She says that she was a little bitch that died because she had sex with Roshan and her parents threw her into a well. She will kill me because a saw a cassette with her spirit. She says it's madness to try to avoid my destiny."
Anub'Arak:"Tell her 'THIS IS DOTAAAAAAAA!!!!!' like this:

And not 'the ring' movie!"
Anub'Seran:"And if she really kills me?"
Anub'Arak:"You will respawn in a minute -.-"
Axe:"You are a really good father Nerub."
Anub:"I know. Now about you. You don't really seem to be.... you know a dance fan. I mean look at this advertisement:

Axe:"It's propaganda. I will own that cobold one day! And do you know which my special move is?"
Nevermore:"A double, upside-down break dancing pirouette?"
Axe:"Nope. Counter Helix!"
Nevermore:"You will kill the poor gay cobold?"
Axe:"YES BECAUSE I'M THE BEST BALLET DANCER!!!!!"
Nevermore:"Whatever."
Anub:"Next day's march will be difficult, so rest now."
Axe:"C'mon man. Nevermore has some really good stuff with him."
Anub:"I said sleep!"
Axe:"You remind me my mother."
Anub:"I can't forget her..."
Lion:"Mwahaha. It's time for vengeance!"
You again?
Lion:"Yes. And this time you will not stop me!"
I warned you that a Troll Warlord may appear and start whacking you!
Lion:"FU. This time I have an anti-troll warlord weapon."
WTF? A steak?
Lion:"Yes. I'm cooking during my free time. It's full of sleeping-pills! Mwahaha!"
*While Lion was still laughing a Stone Giant appeared, throws him to the land Zliky-Bliky and destroys the steak.*
Tiny:"Become a vegetarian damn n00b."
Good job Tiny.
Tiny:"Are you a vegetarian???"
Ermm yes ... of course I am.
*Tiny returns to his ancient golem girlfriend*
Phew, now I can continue the story.
Nevermore:"Wake up. All quiet! Rirgwarl has found us. We have to do something."
Axe:"Let's run!"
Anub:"No, I have a better idea."
After a while Nevermore shouts to Rigwarl:"Come here you damn fat pig."
Rigwarl:"Oink, I’m not fat nagger! Now you will die! War path!"
Rigwarl opens a map and tries to find the war path. After a while he starts running towards a wall of bricks and dies.
Axe:"Nice idea Nerub."
Anub:"Yes, painting the war path as a wall of bricks was very nice. Now let's keep moving!"
After a while ...
Axe:"Shit! It's Techies."
Nevermore:"Yes, but what is he doing? Putting explosives in Traxex's ass?"
Anub:"Well probably, she needs something much more exciting than just a big tool. You know undeath makes you a bit.... mad."
Traxex thanks Techies and goes to test her new tool. Suddenly Techies notices the Scourge heroes.
Techies:"Intruders! Suicide attack!"
Nevermore (showing a random critter whose name was Tiger if the reader is interested):"Look Techies an enemy!"
Techies:"Don't move! We will come back! Attack!"
Squee just pawned his own head for an extra 1000 gold!
Spleen just pawned his own head for an extra 1000 gold!
The Goblin Techies just got a double kill!
The Goblin Techies just pawned a squirrel’s head for an extra 275 gold and some nuts!
The Goblin Techies just got a triple kill!
The Goblin Techies are on a killing spree!
Axe:"I wonder why they are intelligence heroes. You have to be completely stupid to kill yourself.
*Pudge the Butcher has killed himself. An allied hero has fallen.*
Nevermore:"Yes...."
Anub:"Whatever."

<<<<<<More coming soon>>>>>>

======================BEWARE, I LIVE!=======================

Nevermore:" Anub'Arak, we have faced enemies, but we were lucky to survive!"
Axe:"Actually, we were lucky they were stupid."
Anub:"Yes, that's true. We need an attack plan. I will impale and mana burn our foes."
Axe:"I will charge and kill everything!"
Nevermore:"Wait. How will I be able to steal their souls, so that they will serve me for an eternity?"
Axe:"Well, I don't care."
Nevermore:"I can make Lina serve us for an eternity .... If you understand what I mean. ”
Anub:"Well that changer things. We will weaken them and you will steal their souls."
Nevermore:"That was my plan."
Axe:"Hey guys, where is that stupid bear, Smokey?"
Anub:"Who cares? He will either be 'shooting' or -bleep- Rylai again."
As our heroes were marching towards their destiny, they saw something they would never forget, something that scarred their souls forever (even if they don't have).
Policeman:"Don't move or I will shoot!"
Fuzzy:"What did I do?"
Policeman:"You just shoplifted you stupid fat bear."
Fuzzy:"No I didn't. I demand a lawyer to represent me!"
Policeman:"Ok, then put your shirt off. I bet that we will see lots of steaks."
Fuzzy:"No! I demand a lawyer."
Policeman:"Stop shouting you fatty fat fatty. Oh, I'm sorry for calling you fat, fatty. Hey Mike did you just see a fat bear?"
Fuzzy:"I demand a -bleep- lawyer Goddamit! I have rights too!"
Policeman:"Stop shouting! Here, take a chocolate fatso."
Fuzzy:"Gee is it for me? For real?"
Policeman:"Yes. I forgot to pay your mother last night, so let's say I pay her now."
Fuzzy gets enraged and tears the policeman apart.
Fuzzy:"I forgot to bitchslap yours last night, so let's say I do it now. And give me that chocolate."
Fuzzy grabs the chocolate from the other policeman, gets in a car and after a 720 degrees drift, goes away.
Axe:"Poor creature. Ghetto life can corrupt even Fuzzy!"
Nevermore:"It's not that bad. There are lots of 'stuff', bitches, we read comics all together, we live all together, we are like a family. And you can even kill somebody and be rewarded for that."
Anub:"So DotA is a ghetto-like game?"
Nevermore:"Are you a nagger?"
Anub:"Nope."
Nevermore:"Then no."
Axe:"Shit!"
Anub:"What is it?"
Axe:"I felt strange, as if someone was close to me."
Nevermore:"Maybe it was SA."
Axe:"A South African?"
Nevermore:"No, Stealth Assassin."
Axe:" But SA stands for South Africa."
Anub:" In DotA it stands for Stealth Assassin!"
Suddenly a black Rikimaru appears, being painted strangely and holding a spear instead of his scythe-like sword.
Rikimaru:" Just STFU. I'm the South African Stealth Assassin!"
Everybody looks strangely at Rikimaru even a guy that was passing by and was asking what time is it.
Rikimaru:"12PM."
Guy:"Thanks."
Rikimaru:"No problem. Now where was I? Yes! Now I will own you all!"
Before Rikimaru finishes that shit, he gets impaled, mana burnt, shadowrazed, berserker called and finally killed by culling blade.
Nevermore:"It was my kill!"
Axe:"Next time."
Our heroes kept walking even deeper into the Sentinels' territory. After spending some time with Traxex, who desperately needed some cash, as she has borrowed Dagon and couldn't put it off her ass, they continued their mission.
***Suddenly everything stops***
WTF? I didn't type that!
Lion:"Well done Darkterror, now I will have my revenge!"
Darkterror:"Pay me then."
Lion:"I will pay you when I finish the job. Now give me your hand."
Darkterror:"In marriage?"
Lion:"No idiot! Just give me your hand!"
Darkterror:"Are you going to read my fate?"
Lion:"Give me your damn hand you piece of shitty void!"
Lion grabs Void's hand.
Lion:"Mwahaha! Now I will absorb your powers! (And won't have to pay you).Die, die, die! Go to oblivion!"
Pugna:"Somebody called me?"
Lion gets so scared he pisses blood, leaves Void's hand and runs away screaming like a five-year-old girl.
***Everything gets to normal***
Axe:"Ahhh, Old-school Traxex is just classic."
Anub:"Yeah!"
Everything was the same in the Sentinels' base. Furion was dancing naked with druids, dryads, golems and other strange creatures again.
Purist was having a facelift because, as he claimed, it improved his mana pool and regeneration.
Purist (to the shop owner):" Even Lina does it! Look she has so much mana and it regenerates so quickly. Why shouldn't I do it?"
Owner:"'Cause it would be gay!"
Purist:"Oh come on!"
Syllabear was hunting Aiushtha, as Smokey was no longer with him and he needed to have some animal fun.
Bearman:"Come here baby. We will have so much fun together!"
Bambi-girl:"I'm just 17! I'm not ready yet."
Bearman:"I love teen porn! Just come here."
Morphling, Enigma and Jakiro were still wondering if they were male or female. After some hours of thinking, they 'shot' and let Tinker explain them a new nuclear shit he created

Morphling, Enigma, Jakiro:"Ohhhhh, it's so exciting Tinker!"
Tinker:"I know it is. I created it!"
Chen was again ganked be the Scourge and was running away pissing his pants all the way. Leshlac, Terrorblade and Lich were running behind him shouting "We won't hurt you! We just wanna be your friends!" Finally Leshlac got into his BoT and killed him.

Magina was missing in a family reunion and, as always, he would be told to stop killing other people and find a real job. He had been studying in Cumbridge University for seven years and his potential was much higher than that 'pathetic hobby". However this time got back earlier and secretly entered Ezalor's tent. Ezalor had already covered himself with oil and made Magina lick it. But suddenly he smelt the air and whatever it was, it made his bones shake. Literally. Magina was like "WTF? LOL!". Ezalor screamed something in French, but Magina didn't know what he said, so he decided to do his hara-kiri stuff. Because of the oil he licked he missed, killing Davion who was passing by. Lina, who had just offered her services to Davion and was waiting to get paid, screamed and killed Magina, covering Ezalor will his blood. Ezalor, losing his best slave, killed Lina but, because of the oil he slipped and fell on her dildo, destroying his incorporeal body. A French Gondar who was passing by translated what Ezalor had said.
Gondar:"Sven ........ IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!"
Everybody started screaming and running in random directions, until Sven appeared........

No more for tonight. Enjoy!!!

====================THE TERMINATOR==========================
Sven was back. Everybody thought he would never return, but no, he was still walking the land. Nobody can forget what happened the last time.
********Flashback***********
Lion:"C'mon bring me some pop corn!"
Huh?
Lion:"Are you deaf?"
FU and get out of my story or......
Lion:"Or what sucker?"
Or you may irritate Sven..... And you don't want that to happen, right?
Lion:"NO. Of course not. Please continue this wonderful story. And screw the pop corn."
Sven used to be a normal guy a year ago. He was killing ghouls, necromancers, and generally whatever wasn't alive. He used to visit both Rylai and Lina often to ask them if he could help them in any way or if they could help him.
But one nightmarish day something terrible happened. He accidentally smoke Smokey's cigarette, waking up the other day in the Scourge's base. After suffering every king of torture"
Sven:"WTF? Don't lie. I had so much fun with Akasha. Well I hurt a little bit but that bitch is better even than Lina."
Ermm, well the vile Scourge decided that Sven will not betray his comrades and will never tell where Kardel's most precious object, a collector's edition ‘Braveheart’, was.
So they had to use the most evil and inhuman way of torture: make the Faceless Void smile. After a week, Sven finally succumbed and revealed its position.
Kardel:"Aye that bastard told them everything. If I wasn't Scottish I would have killed him a long time ago."
Sven (exhausted):"It is in his wardrobe.....*cough*..... Second drawer......*cough*........ On the left."
Lich king:"Well done, Darkterror."
*Looks at Void*
LK:"OMFG. Holy shit Sven how did you last so long? Oh my god I won't sleep for a week. Release the prisoner and leave him near the river.
Sven was crazed from the tortures, making him kill everybody he caught in sight. When he woke up he returned to the Sentinels' base. On the way he saw Troll Warlord fishing in a lake.

He cut the troll's head and used it as bait. After catching some fish, he kept going to the base. Killing every cobold, troll, golem and ogre he saw he finally arrived. The Sentinels watching what had happened decided to sacrifice their beloved friend, Roshan (who owed some money to Traxex from a strip poker game).
Furion:"Sven, Roshan told us that you suck."
Sven:"He will pay."
Sven went back to the river killing (again) whatever he saw.
Poor Dark Seer (who apparently couldn't see the Darkness coz he needed new glasses) happened to be passing by. Sven watching this pathetic creature close to him, grabbed his sword and cut him into pieces. Gondar appeared and started cursing him, but finally ended up as his brother. Luna's Panther, Kitty, was having sex with Banehallow's wolves and Rogue Knight (after watching for a while) decided to do the same to them. Finally he cooked all the meat he got and made hamburgers to eat (he's fat, but his damn armor make him look so fit, have to learn how).Finally he arrived at Roshan's lair.
Roshan:"I told her that I will pay her back Goddamit!"
Sven:"Time to be exterminated n00b."
Roshan:"Huh? Stop watching The Terminator movies man."
Sven:"How dare you?!"
An epic battle occurred. The two heroes kept fighting for the whole day.
*Knight pierces his enemy's head with his sword.*
Rosh:"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. You beat me."
Sven:"I told you that I own everyone in Tekken 5. I won you bitch! Who's your daddy?"
Rosh:"Damn.... You."
Sven:"Nobody can defeat me!"
Suddenly a ten years old child appears.
Child:"My name is Kenny and I challenge you."
Sven:"Time to suck."
At the same time the match begun, the child used a super duper combo to kill Sven within second.
Sven:"I......I.......I......I.......can't believe this....."
Kenny:"Sucker. Who's your daddy?"
*Sven rips the child's head off*
From that day on, Sven never was to be seen again. Until today.
************End of Flashback**********
Furion:"That is impossible!"
Sven:"Nothing is impossible."
Furion:"What have you been doing all this time? I suppose killing innocents!"
Sven:"Actually no. I took part in a movie called The Terminator 3: Rise of the machines and that's why I was called Arnold Schwarzenegger. It was a huge success."
Huskar:"We thought you got disappointed by getting defeated by that child."
Sven:"Actually yes but I visited a psychologist and I’m ok now."
Traxex:"And why are you back?"
*Sven wear some star shaped sunglasses*
Sven:"Whoops."
*Wears normal sunglasses*
Sven:"To terminate the Scourge."
Fuzzy:"Just that? Won't you kill us again?"
Sven:"Nope. And Jah'Rakal, I hope you forgive me."
Troll Warlord comes out of Rhasta's tent, with hip-hop music at full sound and some strange smoke coming out.
Troll:"Sure dude. Don't worry, be happy."
Rhasta:"Come in mon. The smoke is getting away!"
South African Riki:"I always knew I was a troll. Some more of da stuff please."
Troll comes in again.
Back to our heroes.
Axe:"At last."
Anub:"Yes don't forget, I’m the main actor!"
Nevermore:"Why do you always get all the fame?"
Anub:"Well, because... ohm because, well because... JUST BECAUSE GODDAMMIT."
Nevermore:"Ok."
Axe:"Now we have passed the second guarding tower and we are close to their base."
Nevermore:"That's why we saw all these."
Anub:"With Sven around, our mission will be more difficult now."
Axe:"We can kill him. He isn't immortal."
Nevermore:"He is a machine from the inside."
Anub:"It was just a movie, it isn't real. We will stay here at night and think what we will do."

Lina:"Woooooo. That rocked! More! More! More! I love it."
Rylai:"Shut up Lina, you fiery bitch. You are acting like Luna."
Luna:"Is that bad?"
Rylai:"Well think that you joined the Sentinels just for the Jiggle TV and answer me."
Lina:"It's ok relax. You know you are an icy bitch."
Ladies please stop. Or I will make you stop.
Lina:"Oh how savage and fierce. I like these men."
Rylai:"I like them more."
Luna:"I like Pokémon."
Lina:"Shut up Luna."
Rylai:"C'mon stunner, wanna have some fun?"
Well........
Lina:"I will make you think something: I float. A whole new world of things you we can make together."
Hmmmm....
Rylai:"I'm blonde, don't you like it?"
Luna:"I can dance!"
Rylai:"Shut up Luna! She isn't with me, I don't know her. Well what do you think?"
How about both of you?
Rylai:"Greed is good."
Lina:"Just to show her I’m the best."
Come in you will like it here.
Rylai:"Bom chicka wah wah."

==================THE END DRAWS NEAR========================
Anub:"Nevermore, are you sure we look like treants?"
Nevermore:"Sure."
Axe:"It makes me look stupid and fat."
Anub:"GODDAMIT Nevermore we DEFINITELY don't look like treants."
Nevermore:"I have some druid suits, too. Let me see......"
Anub:"I bet we won't look like druids as well."
Nevermore:"Do you have any better idea?"
Anub:"Well I could sneak in the base, but I would end up dead..... And by the way gimme the treant suit. My Broodmother likes it when I wear suits."
Axe:"Oh yeah, she definitely does."
All of sudden Bone Clickz appears.
Bonez:"Hey guys."
Anub:"Clickz what are doing here? Aren't you supposed to be..... OUTSIDE?"
Everybody screams, including a cobold whose name was Mike, if the reader is interested.
Bonez:"Well, the Blizzard guys checked the replay and after reading DotA rules, they decided that I was innocent and they wouldn't get me to the electric chair."
Axe:"That's good to hear mate. How was OUTSIDE? In the real world?"
Everyone screams, including Mike.
Bonez:"Well it was nice. Icefrog is a really nice guy. But there are some strange things I remember seeing there."
Nevermore:"Like what?"
Bonez:” A strange looking statue.

Some really stupid creatures.

Nevermore:"Wow."
Bonez:"I'm thinking of quitting DotA and working as an advertiser. I have alredy made one

Anub:"Duh, ask Atropos to brain sap you and you will change your mind."
Bonez:"Ok, I’m going."
Axe:"I prefer DotA world to the OUTSIDE world."
Everyone screams including Mike.
Mike:"Can you stop it? I'm flirting with a golem!"
Nevermore:"You're doing what?"
Mike:"Are you deaf or blind?"
Nevermore:"How dare you?"
*Nevermore kills Mike*
Golem:"You killed him. You killed him bitches!"
Nevermore (showing Sentinel tower level 3):"It wasn't me. It was that tower."
Golem:"I'm not blind!"
Axe:"Are you deaf?"
Golem:"No!"
Axe:"Terrorblade is blind not deaf, but I can't find a guy who is deaf, not blind."
Anub:"Out of topic. You get a warning."
Axe:"Whatever."
Golem:"Shut the -bleep- up Goddamit. Revive him!"
Axe:"Mike? We can't. He will automatically revive in some time."
Golem:"Then you will die!"
*Golem charges but it misses and accidentally destroys the tower and kill Lina who was bitch-dancing like that.*

Axe:"Wow. I didn't expect that."
Anub:"The tower is down! We made it! The Force is with us!"
Nevermore:"I will never give you a Star Wars movie again."
Axe:"Duh."
Sven:"What the hell? Bone Clickz backdooring again? Wasn't he banned?"
Fuzzy:"Probably no."
Sven:"Rylai, weren't you supposed to 'enlighten' the Blizzard guys' mind?"
Rylai:"Well, I tried, but these ones were so.... EEEEWWWW."
Sven:"Whatever. We must hunt that piece of metal shit down."
Furion:"I really think you should stop thinking you are still in the movie."
Sven:"How dare you?"
*Sven rips off Furion's head and puts it into his ass.*
Jah'Rakal:"Shit. Not again."
Sven:"Relax, I still have my self-control. Just never, ever say that again."
Zeus:"Ok, boss."
*The Sentinel heroes start hunting down..... something taking with them all the available treants and druids*
Sven:"Kill him!"
Jah'Rakal:"Show no mercy."
Somebody in the crowd:"Kill the witch!"
Fuzzy:"Huh?"
Somebody in the crowd:"Sorry wrong movie."
Nevermore:"We are incredibly lucky."
Axe:"Yeah."
Anub:"Ok, let's get in, take the branches and get the hell outta here."
Morphling:"Pl34s3 subm1t 1D"
Axe:"What? Anyone speaks l33t?"
Morphling:"T1m3's up. j00 d13 n00bz."
Nevermore:"l0l n00b w3 tr33, you 0n3. w3 k1ll j00."
Morphling:"Stup1d n00bz j00 g0 b4s3 n0 t3ll j00r 4ll13z."
Nevermore:" STFU n00bz0rd. Lycan t0p m1ss DD."
Morphling:"OMG n00b all13s."
Morphling goes to the place codenamed 'top lane' but gets killed by neutral creeps.
Nevermore:"Stupid noob."
Anub:"How do you know l33t language?"
Nevermore:"I studied at prison."
Anub:"WTH? Furion has already revived?"
Furion:"Yes, I have a Bloodstone."
Axe:"Damn, I shouldn't have spent my money with Akasha. I should have bought one, too."
Furion:"Now, I Furion"
Lina:"I'm back, too."
Furion:"Hey sweetheart, what's up? We haven't seen each other for a while, you know..."
Lina:"Well, you have that priestess..."
Furion:"Oh c'mon, you are much better than her. I'm doing that for Magina, I can't allow him to understand that our family is really dysfunctional."
Lina:"Well, maybe....just for you....."
Anub:"Guys, can we fight TODAY?"
Lina:"Sorry, it's business, you know!"
Rikimaru:"Don't shout please, my head hurts.... Rhasta, is this supposed to happen?"
Rhasta:"I told you that mustn't take * after my 'cigarettes'!"
Lina:"Don't shout at him. He was really naughty last night."
Anub:"Guys! What is wrong over here?"
*Furion's cell phone rings*
Furion:"Yes, let him pass."
*Medivn and Malfurion appear*
Furion:"I, Furion the Prophet, leader of the night elves welcome you."
Medivn:"Wow, mate. I am the Prophet."
Malfurion:"And I am the leader of the night elves."
Furion:"Who are you?"
Medivn:"Don't you play Warcraft 3?"
Furion:"I don't have a PC. I have Xbox 360."
Luna:"I have Wii!"
Furion:"Shut up Luna! Not now."
Medivn:"We are here for copyright reasons. How dare you call yourself prophet?"
Malfurion:"And leader of the night elves?"
Anub:"WHAT THE FYCK IS GOING ON HERE?"
Furion:"-bleep- they got me. Please don't get me to jail; I have two little children and a wife."
Medivn:"We really don't care."
Furion:"Anub'Arak, please help me!"
Anub:"I don't think so."
Furion:"I will do anything to pay you back."
Enchantress:"Guys, can you stop -bleep- shouting? Syllabear can't concentrate!"
Syllabear:"Cone in baby. I remember the pose I was talking you about."
Anub:"Well........"

What will Anub'Arak do? Will he help his enemy and get whatever he wants or no?

=======================THE END===============================

Anub:"I will never aid this being. He is the enemy of the Lich King."
Axe:"And he owes me money."
Nevermore:"Guys, think about it. He said WHATEVER we want."
Axe:"So?"
Anub:"Yes, you are right. He could buy these branches for us and deliver them to our base."
Furion:"I'm not a delivery boy!"
Medivn:"You can spend the rest of your life in prison...."
Furion:"I CAN be a delivery boy!"
Anub:"Well, I think that this will change many things. We will help you."
Furion:"Phew. You know what to do. Make them disappear."
Anub:"I'm not a magician!"
Axe:"Wait, I have done this once."
Nevermore:"No, he didn't mean that"
*Axe starts whispering arcane words towards Malfurion*
Nevermore:"Wow."
*A bunch of flowers appears in Malfurion's hand*
Axe:"Erm..... forget about it."
Furion:"Man, don't you understand what I mean? Make them 'disappear'."
Nevermore:"Their souls will be mine."
After a furious battle, Medivn and Malfurion die and will have to serve Nevermore eternally.
Malfurion:"What do you want us to do?"
Nevermore:"You forget the magical word, minion."
Malfurion:"Boss?"
Nevermore:"No, the other one."
Malfurion:"Master?"
Nevermore:"Yes, I like it. First of all clean my house. It has been messy for about 1000 years and I think it's time somebody does that job. Further tasks will be given later."
Medivn:"Yes, my lord."
Anub:"We did our part of the deal, not it's time you did yours."
Furion:"Well, ok. What do you want?"
Axe:"We want ironwood branches."
Furion:"Just that? You made all the way here to find ironwood branches?
Anub:"The problem is that we want many of them. About 25620689304250496289563295."
Furion:"Wow! How the f@ck am I supposed to get so many of them? I'm not a bitch like Lina."
Lina:"Hey!"
Furion:"Sorry baby. I'm not a bitch like Rylai!"
Nevermore:"We really don't care."
Furion:"Hey Luna, is that worthless creature still alive?"
Luna:"Kitty?"
Furion:"No, the other one."
Luna:"Happytoes? Yes she is. And she is not worthless, she is a sweet companion."
Axe:"What's Happytoes?"
Furion:"Luna's animal courier, a stupid chicken."
Luna:"She's not stupid, it was peer pressure. She saw all the other birds living on trees and wanted to be like them."
Furion:"First of all she's a chicken, not a bird. And second, I asked her to buy me a Stygian Desolator and what did that piece of shit bring me? Tons of Ironwood Branches!"
Luna:"I told you she wanted to construct a tree with them."
Furion:"With MY money!"
Luna:"She sent you a letter to apologize."
Furion:"On MY Monkey King Bar recipe scroll!"
Luna:"It was a mistake."
Anub:"Guys relax. How many ironwood branches did it bring you?"
Furion:"I don't know, I didn't count them. But they were really many. You could construct a huge tree with all of them."
Anub:"It lives up to our expectations. As it seems that pathetic being saved your life. Give us all these branches and we will be ok."
Furion:"Sure, have them all I don't care."
Nevermore:"But we have a problem. How will we transport them to our base?"
Furion:"I really don't care. I paid you back."
Anub:"Luna, could your sweet companion help us?"
Luna:"Yes, but I want something too?"
Axe:"I wonder what."
Luna:"I want you to take me to the zoo."
Nevermore:"WTF?"
Luna:"Oh, c'mon I’m too young to go alone and I’m scared."
Nevermore:"Luna, what is wrong with you? You are so childish."
Luna:"I know, but I’m afraid that I will never become as good as Lina or Rylai."
Nevermore:"I'm a tester."
Luna:"Really? Happytoes, come here. Meanwhile, how about testing me?"
Nevermore:"Gladly."
After a quarter, Happytoes arrives and Luna finishes her test.
Luna:"So, professor, have I passed the test?"
Nevermore:"Nine point five out of ten."
Luna:"Thank you. I will meet you later, black boy. Have some work to do."
Lina:"Sh1t. It seems that I will have even more competitors now."
Axe:"Hey, is that Happytoes?"
Happytoes:"Who the hell called me with that -bleep- name? I have told that retarded elf that my name is Dick and I’m male."
Anub:"How the fack did you end up being Luna's animal courier?"
Happytoes:"I was a truck driver, but I ran out of petrol so I had to stop somewhere. That stupid elf saw me and thought I was a helpless creature and that she will take care of me. And stop typing Happytoes! My name is Dick!"
Sorry.
Axe:"Why didn't you tell her anything?"
Happytoes.... erm Dick:"I was trying but she always said that I’m still shocked from what happened to me and that I wasn't ready to go back."
Nevermore:"And the stygian desolator and MKB stuff?"
Dick:"First of all, Leragas was soooooo drunk that HE gave me the branches, even if I told him that I wanted desolator. And Furion is so stupid that he thought I wrote that letter on his recipe scroll, but it was a page from Playboy."
Anub:"That is just too stupid. Now, can you help us transport the branches?"
Dick:"Sure. You made this night elf forget about me, so I’m free. I will load them in my truck."
Our heroes are transporting their precious loot back to their base. I wonder where is than annoying guy, Lion. Hmmm let's see.
Lion:"What are you looking at? Don't you see I’m being ganked and I’m running away?"
You are ganked by whom?
Lion:"Are you blind? Can't you see that crowd behind me?"
Sven:"Get him! For our future!"
Zeus:"He isn't Clickz boss!"
Sven:"Yes' he is! He has changed his form to look like another being."
Rexxar:"I'm getting hungry."
Sven:"Keep hunting down."
Somebody in the crowd:"Kill the witch!"
Sven:"I told you this isn't the right movie!"
Somebody in the crowd:"Sorry again."
I think Lion deserved this destiny. Now let's see if our heroes made it.
Axe:"Are we there yet?"
Dick:"No."
Axe:"Are we there yet?"
Nevermore:"No."
Axe:"Are we there yet?"
Anub:"No."
Axe:"Are we there yet?"
No.
Axe:"Are we there yet?"
Anub:"I told you that we aren't -bleep- there yet!"
Dick:"Ok, here we are."
Axe:"Are we there yet?"
Nevermore:"Yes, we are."
Dick:"I will unload them now and you will make them whatever you want."
After unloading, our heroes march towards the Frozen Throne to announce their master victory.

Anub:"Ner'Zhul, master, Leader of the Scourge, Lich King"
LK:"Ok, I get it."
Anub:"We are victorious."
LK:"If you hadn't won, you would not be here right now."
Axe:"That's right."
LK:"I know it's right 'coz I said it. Now, well done my minions. You have brought me what I wanted. But what I told you was half of your mission."
Anub:"What do you mean master?"
Balanar:"Happy Birthday Anub!”
Anub:"WTF?"
LK:"Well, I had to find a way to remove you from the base and the mission was what I thought of."
Anub:"I you sent me to almost certain death just to prepare a birthday party?"
LK:"Erm... yes."
Nevermore:"Some people are missing."
LK:"Naix is in prison for stealing life, Ish'Kafel can't see the darkness, so he want to buy new glasses, Leviathan is hunting some tides, Barathrum is protesting for the 'man cows' and Crixalis is sunbathing. Forgot Viper, he was bit by a cobra and is at the hospital right now. All of them will be here in no time."
Anub:"Boss there is a problem."
LK:"Yes. Akasha, Mortred, Crobelus and Mercurial are playing strip poker with Roshan right now. They will come later."
Anub:"No another one."
LK:"What is it?"
Anub:"My birthday is next month."

That's the end of the story, hope you liked it
_________________

Last edited by Dark_Phoen1x on Sun Jul 29, 2007 7:36 pm; edited 24 times in total