A Comeback of Epic Proportions

Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 12:43 am

Wow flameseeker how modest of you, also i think saying things like "what suspense?" could be mistaken as an insult.

On to the story It's good. The only things i'd say is that I think you needed to exaggerate the storm a bit more to demonstrate the insane demonic power of the bad guy when I read it; it felt kinda insignificant.

I also think you're trying too hard to use other words to replace said. It's a handy skill to be able to come up with words like that but they're usually use for character development if anything. even proper authors sometimes just use said to acknowledge the speaker. For example if a annoying guy that thinks he's the boss at the start of the piece was to be developed the very first sentence he said would be something like.
"I have complete authority over you" stated burnside defiantly.
And then if he were to be demoted by the end of the piece it'd be.
"yes sir" squeaked burnside

Simply using something that's a synonym to said like "articulated" and "expressed" or saying Sven hesitantly acknowledged when Sven is a pretty firm character, is a bad idea (or saying imposed for Akasha who doesn't seem to be a domninant authority at all).
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Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 4:44 am

sorry sorry. ya, i was not sooo modest also. but anyway on to the story.. My mind isnt muddled, btw. I dont feel the suspense because there isnt enough depth to the events like the storm seemes very insignificant. its a good story anad u got talent, just try and focus ur ideads and then add some depth. Like u could say:

Sven felt, nay, knew something ominous was about to happen.

See, that one line adds so much depth to the event. Also, i think my story si good, coz when i wite it, its like i am reading a new story. Ideas come so unexpectedly to me. And when i am writing it. its as if i am reading a good story. That is also what allows me to add some depth to my story.
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Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 5:15 am

Sorry if this sounds rude but I'm confused, how can you relate depth and suspense? And how does that line have any depth whatsoever? How does random ideas coming into your head allow you to add depth to your story? I think you got depth confused with something else. Can ya define depth for me?
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On the eigth day the lords said "let there be awesomeness" and there was me.

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Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 1:15 pm

ok. i might have confused depth up. But saying what Sven thinks adds intrest to the story coz he is the main character. Also when we think bout something, various things come to mind and our brain cancels it out. So if u write all the things that came to his mind, you are building his character. and building character has a profound impact on the story. Another thing is by saying that Sven knew somethign was about to happen, u make the reader feel as if you are looking from Sven's perspective. For ppl think things which they assume they know but say they think. get it?
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 3:26 am

You're thinking of character development lol. If you use character development properly it can help with depth, you need to constantly refer to Sven's thoughts and show him getting more (or less) <insert characteristic here> (eg. confident). So really a single sentence doesn't help with character development much either. There are usually better ways to show character development though.
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On the eigth day the lords said "let there be awesomeness" and there was me.

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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 8:40 am

aaah. Right. Thats what i meant. couldnt put it into a proper sentecnce though adn yes, a sentence doesent help but many sentences like that do. you have to keep track of the characters emotions or else, however good the story/anime be, it wont be too enticing. One fine example is Fate/Stay Night. Most of the characters werent developed well.Except for the leading pair.
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 8:59 am

Oh man, you two talking what I don't understand. >,<
But, as long as you make a good story, I'll be happy to read that. ^^
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 9:03 am

@flameseeker, Wow, I leave this thread alone for a bit and you start advertising your story. Look, I would really appreciate it if you kept your comments to yourself. If you have nothing good to say, shut up. You don't see me advertising my stories in yours do you? I don't know what's your problem. I know you're a better writer but could you just be a better person?

@burnside Appreciate the advice man, thanks a lot. Yeah, this new writing style I'm trying out is kinda tough for me.

Anyway...

Chapter 6: The Enemy in the Forest

That afternoon, while Sven was dozing off, Magina and Luna decided to go to the forest to see if Aiushtha needed any help. On the way, they couldn't help but think of what could've knocked something as powerful as Tiny out.

Luna then suddenly felt something pull on her leg and the next thing she knew, she was suspended in the air by a rope tied to her leg. She easily cut the rope by throwing a glaive at it and as she was falling, Magina caught her in mid-air.

She thanked him and they continued the search. While they were again, walking, Magina suddenly stopped for a moment and looked around as if he was expecting something to happen. Luna was about to ask him when he gave a gesture telling her to keep quiet. He struck a nearby tree and saw a rope suspended above the ground.

"Quite impressive. Your senses have gotten sharp." said a raspy voice from an unknown source.

"Show yourself," Magina replied, "for it's time for me to extract my revenge!"

From the shadows of the trees, a familiar orcish shaman came out. It was none other than the one who had blinded Magina. Strygwyr was waiting for Magina to make the first move but when it did not come, he was the one who struck first.

He ran towards Magina with his claws ready, jumped up and struck Magina who was not moving from where he stood. When he landed from his aerial maneuver, Strygwyr saw that Magina was no longer there. He looked behind him just in time to defend himself from an incoming moon blade attack!

"I'm not the elf you fought before." said Magina.

"You're using dirty tricks now huh?" said Strygwyr with a hint of anger in his words. "Well, two can play at that game!"

He brought out a dagger and disappeared. Magina again, focused on his surroundings and did not move. A moment later, Strygwyr came from behind him and was about to hit him when he disappeared and reappeared behind Strygwyr again who did not fall for the same trick twice and parried the moon blade with his claws, leaving Magina off-guard.

He seized the opportunity and thrust the dagger straight towards Magina's heart. As it was about to make contact, a glaive deflected his attack. He saw Luna and went for her instead. Another glaive flew forth which he caught and threw back at Luna when Magina blinked in the way and blocked the glaive.

"I'm your enemy, she has nothing to do with this. Luna please, stay out of this!" exclaimed Magina who was now raging inside.

He gave out a battle cry and the next thing Strygwyr knew, he was dodging chaos blasts from the demon in front of him. Magina was relentless, he blasted Strygwyr wherever he went and was destroying the forest in the process.

Strygwyr was running around the place when he tripped on a tree root and fell face flat on the ground. Magina did not fail to seize this opportunity and shot Strygwyr with the most powerful blast he could muster.

Strygwyr was no more. All that was left on the ground was the bloody corpse of an orc shaman. As for Magina, he returned to his elf form but collapsed shortly after.

He woke up a few hours later in the village clinic, and felt something was different, he felt as if he had actually gotten much stronger than before.

"Oh, you're awake," said Aiushtha. "Magina, we've got a situation and we can't let you out for a while, we need to run a few tests on you about what happened to you in the forest..."
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 9:30 am

sorry razorfane. really sorry for advertising my story. (sorry)x200000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000. and sorry once again.

OK, on to ur latest capter, quite good. keep up the good work. and dont worry, i wont ad my story here nemore. Also, it would help if u described the transformed Magina more. Like the colour of him, his eyes( they are very important for emotions are mainly portrayed in the eyes) etc etc.
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 9:31 am

Only problems I can see with the piece so far is that the character development isn't that great (this would be where the evidence is but I'm too lazy to find it). I think that's because you have lost track of your characters. It's a little to late for this story but next story make a special effort to make sure all the characters act in character and try to put some character development in. It helps with depth and will improve your story dramatically.

The other problem is that you still aren't exaggerating events enough. You could do a lot more with these scenes if you make every little thing count.
"he let out a battle cry" for example could be exaggerate into "A deafening battle cry of death reached Stygywr's ears causing fear to spread throughout his entire body".

Also you gotta remember that Flameseeker's only 13, people tend to mature a lot as time passes. By the time he's 15 he'll be as nice a person as you are. It's better to make a friend then an enemy (especially when there's only about 5 people that post in these fanfic forums).
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The people we have lost...and the dreams that have faded...never forget them...
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On the eigth day the lords said "let there be awesomeness" and there was me.

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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 11:42 am

i am trying to be a good person. and yea. i agree with what burnside said and i am a good person. only thing that i didnt realize the implication of advertising in you thread. thats all. Like by a good person, i mean like i dont hurt people,trees,animals etc. try to be kind to every1 and so on and so forth.
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 12:18 pm

It's no prob flameseeker, we all make mistakes every now and then.

Story temporarily postponed due to a lot of technicalities and lack of content to continue. I will remake this story in a new thread. Someone please close this thread. Thank you.
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 2:32 pm

w00t, NOOO! For me it's already a great story. Why you shall change it?
Your simplicity and great battle explanation made me enjoy to read your story.
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 2:56 pm

Sigokil, improve ur english and razorfane, lets just forget my mistake
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 3:58 pm

Ooops sorry, that's not my primary language. ^^
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