The Crown of Thorns [My WB entry for July/August]
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Total Votes: 5
Should I enter the WB with this story
No ending time set.
No wai! 20% [ 1 ]
Ya rly 80% [ 4 ]
varunshenoyg wrote:
Did you put in the link to the story in the WG thread? Its WG btw not WB
Did you put in the link to the story in the WG thread? Its WG btw not WB
How is it WG? Its WB, short for writers block.
@Religion and stuff - yes I know its a sensitive topic, but luckily people here are open mineded enough, and they don't tend to flame.
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Last edited by TheGunslinger on Mon Dec 21, 2012 0:00 am; edited 666 time in total
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Oh ya I keep thinking its Writer's Guild for some reason!
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@religion topic
The thing is that Gunslinger's story contradicts the christian viewpoint. Jesus is supposed to be part of God and therefore perfect and almighty, by writing this story it is almost an attack on the very heart of christian beliefs (though I doubt you intended it in that way).
On a side note, how does this follow the theme of the prodigal son story?
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@burnside
Jesus was supposed to be human, or wasn't he? Isn't God too pure to be connected to a human? Which would mean that he couldn't have been connected to God the Father whist he was human. I could be wrong though.(highly likely)
Why doesn't the bible talk logically? Why do we have to infer things? This is why religious people squabble amongst themselves.
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I was called by Dohyun to judge. I actually did not want to come back to this area of the forums just yet so I will only judge for now.
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Closeness to theme
I am Christian but I did not clearly see the theme of the Prodigal Son, only the Son of God. It was there, yes but not as clear as I would've liked. I mean, in no way did he defy his Father as a Prodigal Son would. You actually made him seem like the blindly obedient son who would do anything his father asked him even if it meant his life.
7/15
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Depth of character/Plotline
It was good how your main character had internal conflicts although it was not as much as I wanted. I know you don't believe in God but it doesn't take a Christian or any believer of any religion to doubt himself when they approach their death. It was still very good, nonetheless.
14/15
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Actual plot
The one thing that makes it difficult to judge this is that I'm a Christian but like you said; it is your story and you are entitled to write it as you wish.
Of course, some inaccuracies with Sacred Scripture may be made but accuracy is not what I'm judging here, and I just wanted to make it clear.
A lot of people would be familiar with this context, even non-Christians so it turned out to be predictable.
8/10
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Personal opinion and entertainment value
Well, since this is personal opinion, this is where I'll be stating all my biases.
This kind of topic is very sensitive and not recommendable to write about given that there may be a lot Christians in this site. Sure you may be an atheist and not believe in any deities that control life but there are a lot of others who do. I'm not saying that you shouldn't write about any religious topics, no all I'm saying is that you should also try to anticipate what they would feel. Despite all this, it was quite entertaining to read about it this way.
7/10
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Grammar/Spelling/Vocab
Ok, so here's how I divided the 5 points among these three:
Grammar - 2/2 points
Spelling - 0/2 points
Vocab - 1/1 point
3/5
If you want to know why you got a 0 in spelling, look at this:
TheGunslinger wrote:
Only a moment later, the whip struck again. And again. And again. He stoped couting after a while.
And the crowd lowed it – they cheared , they yelled “Strike him harder!”
Finaly, when it all seemed close to a finish, he could not endure anymore. He just couldn’t. He let go and screamed – he screamed so loud that the cheers of the croud, the cracks of the whip, everything, just faded. It fealt so good…
When the cold raincdrops touched his skin, he realised that the it was already over – how long has he scream after it was finished, he did not know. He did not care.
The short rain shower stoped while they where doing so.
It had thorns, that burried into his wet skin, and warm blood ran across his face.
He was thrown infront of a crowd.
Then, he saw the man pittied him.
He walked the pathof shame, the path of suffering, void of all thoughts, of all feelings.
The ones folowing him cried. The crowd dispersed – they grew tired of his suffering, and went to feed on the suffering of someone else, untill they get bored of that as well. He pittied them, he despised them. He loved them.
Finaly he found the strenght to speak “Do not cry over my destiny. Cry over your own.” He did not believe they heard him – he barely heard himself. But atleast he said it.
His strenght was at its end. He stagered , and fell to the ground, not able to go on. The guard kicked him in the stomach, vicously , with sadistic pleasure. He stood upright again, and continued his marche towoards the hill in the distance, and the crows circling around it.
And she walked proudly, her head held up high. Still, a tear sliped from her eye.
He fell again – the stifness of his legs, the still open wounds on his back, the heavy burden on his shoulder.
Before the guard got a chance to kick him, he gathered what remained of his strenght and stood up. The look in his eyes made the guard back off. There was rage and fearless determination in those eyes. All meant to hide what he realy fealt deep inside. But that was more than enough.
There was no other way to reedem himself in the eyes of his father.
But, despite everything, his legs shoke , and he fell once again.
Then, his mother grabed his left hand, and his most dearest friend took him by his right. He grabed on tight, and stood up, streanghtened by them.
Finaly , the pitifull procession reached it destination.
They took the thing he struggeled so hard to bring here, and placed him on it.
It was meant as a lesson to others. Little did they know what they had actualy done.
For hours he hanged there, doing battle with himself, trying to stay alive untill the hour in which he is destined to die.
The sun burned his skins, and flies swarmed around his wounds, while his blood dried. The pain eventualy disapeared , he did not feel it anymore, even though it was probably still there.
When did it disapear , he did not know.
He shaked his head then. “You do not have to forgive me Father. But forgive them. Forgive them, if you cannot forgive me. Atleast grant this wish of mine, when you granted no other.”
Finaly , his anger and pain erupted.
If he is to speak up to Him, it is now, or never again "E′li, E′li, la′ma sa‧bach‧tha′ni?!" he shouted towoards the heavens with all his might, choosing to speak with his own words, rather than the the words of the ones who enslaved his body.
He spoke. Finaly he was in peace. And unto His hands, he commited his spirit.
Only a moment later, the whip struck again. And again. And again. He stoped couting after a while.
And the crowd lowed it – they cheared , they yelled “Strike him harder!”
Finaly, when it all seemed close to a finish, he could not endure anymore. He just couldn’t. He let go and screamed – he screamed so loud that the cheers of the croud, the cracks of the whip, everything, just faded. It fealt so good…
When the cold raincdrops touched his skin, he realised that the it was already over – how long has he scream after it was finished, he did not know. He did not care.
The short rain shower stoped while they where doing so.
It had thorns, that burried into his wet skin, and warm blood ran across his face.
He was thrown infront of a crowd.
Then, he saw the man pittied him.
He walked the pathof shame, the path of suffering, void of all thoughts, of all feelings.
The ones folowing him cried. The crowd dispersed – they grew tired of his suffering, and went to feed on the suffering of someone else, untill they get bored of that as well. He pittied them, he despised them. He loved them.
Finaly he found the strenght to speak “Do not cry over my destiny. Cry over your own.” He did not believe they heard him – he barely heard himself. But atleast he said it.
His strenght was at its end. He stagered , and fell to the ground, not able to go on. The guard kicked him in the stomach, vicously , with sadistic pleasure. He stood upright again, and continued his marche towoards the hill in the distance, and the crows circling around it.
And she walked proudly, her head held up high. Still, a tear sliped from her eye.
He fell again – the stifness of his legs, the still open wounds on his back, the heavy burden on his shoulder.
Before the guard got a chance to kick him, he gathered what remained of his strenght and stood up. The look in his eyes made the guard back off. There was rage and fearless determination in those eyes. All meant to hide what he realy fealt deep inside. But that was more than enough.
There was no other way to reedem himself in the eyes of his father.
But, despite everything, his legs shoke , and he fell once again.
Then, his mother grabed his left hand, and his most dearest friend took him by his right. He grabed on tight, and stood up, streanghtened by them.
Finaly , the pitifull procession reached it destination.
They took the thing he struggeled so hard to bring here, and placed him on it.
It was meant as a lesson to others. Little did they know what they had actualy done.
For hours he hanged there, doing battle with himself, trying to stay alive untill the hour in which he is destined to die.
The sun burned his skins, and flies swarmed around his wounds, while his blood dried. The pain eventualy disapeared , he did not feel it anymore, even though it was probably still there.
When did it disapear , he did not know.
He shaked his head then. “You do not have to forgive me Father. But forgive them. Forgive them, if you cannot forgive me. Atleast grant this wish of mine, when you granted no other.”
Finaly , his anger and pain erupted.
If he is to speak up to Him, it is now, or never again "E′li, E′li, la′ma sa‧bach‧tha′ni?!" he shouted towoards the heavens with all his might, choosing to speak with his own words, rather than the the words of the ones who enslaved his body.
He spoke. Finaly he was in peace. And unto His hands, he commited his spirit.
=====================================
Creativity/Uniqueness/ Unique Selling Point
This is very unique in the way that you gave us a less spiritual view of this highly sensitive content. It is unique that an atheist would write about the peak of Christian Faith. It is a different experience to say the least
10/10
=====================================
Use of language
I liked how you described the paint that he felt. It was almost as if I could feel that kind of pain but note the word almost. This was because of the early releasing of the built-up tension. Perhaps you could have built up on it just a little bit more. You also used Finally quite a lot which made me think that it was the end when there was still so much more to follow.
4/5
=====================================
Total: 53/70
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Thank you for the review ^_^ I tried to represent him as going against his fathers will, but I failed at that, since I didn't want to make it too obvious, but I failed to make it obvious enough, so I kinda failed at the theme.
And, yes my spelling does suck ^_^ I'm currently trying to fix that.
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Atheist I Don't Believe In God, and proud if it.
Clockwork - you thought it was over? You were, oh so wrong....
Last edited by TheGunslinger on Mon Dec 21, 2012 0:00 am; edited 666 time in total
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I knew the idea in the first place.
your story was truly an epic to be considered
ENTER
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He already has.. My scores are a lil more easy on the eyes, but they were sent as a PM to Dohyun
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TheGunslinger wrote:
Thank you for the review ^_^ I tried to represent him as going against his fathers will, but I failed at that, since I didn't want to make it too obvious, but I failed to make it obvious enough, so I kinda failed at the theme.
And, yes my spelling does suck ^_^ I'm currently trying to fix that.
Thank you for the review ^_^ I tried to represent him as going against his fathers will, but I failed at that, since I didn't want to make it too obvious, but I failed to make it obvious enough, so I kinda failed at the theme.
And, yes my spelling does suck ^_^ I'm currently trying to fix that.
I guess you could say that it was just not of your best works but we all to fall to get up.
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