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Aftermath
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Total Votes: 3
Thoughts?
No ending time set.
Excellent! 0% [ 0 ]
Nice! 0% [ 0 ]
Alright! 66% [ 2 ]
Not good. 33% [ 1 ]
Seems too much like a story, then a poem. Ofcourse by no means is this bad, but some words in there are just not meant for poems(independent, positivity etc.). The bad thing here is that you attempt to make it a lyric poem, but it turns out differently. Although I do not like too put too much emphasis on the rhyme, sometimes its nice to have a rhyme, or at least rhythm in a song, it helps it be more fluent. Some verses are too long when compared to others - I realize that the ones with just one word are meant to emphasize that word, but some are just too long(To speak his mind; with his mind, for his mind, and occasionally, against his mind - too long, can be split into several verses)
Yes, I tend to overuse "..." someone already told me. But somehow, I find it convenient to use in many situations. I also tend to write things quite simple - it's kinda my style. I always thought that too much complexity can ruin things.
And I rarely have the time to write, so I write when I can get a slice of my time to do it. It's quite hard to find the time, really.
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I have enough time to write, I just can't get myself too actually sit down and use that time.
--
I get what you say about it being more than a story, I also thought so initially, but then again, its also not much of a 'story', you know what I mean? Is the content alright though?
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From what I've read the content is a weird hybrid with no transitions, and that's not at all good. You jump from discrimination to understanding the world to being a philosopher to becoming a great poet to being a social activist. (I find it quite amazing that you were able to tie all that into a 43 line poem, actually.) It's very hard to follow, and by the time you understand what's going on you've already read past 2 or 3 stanzas. My suggestion is to start the poem with some sort of pre-amble stanza, to let us know that these are wild dreams and will skip about.
Personally, I'd restructure the poem from the ground up. You have some lines extra long, some stanza extra short, etc. that kinda breaks thing up. If you can get some sort of pattern or rhythm to it then it'll improve tenfold. As it is now, you have people searching for a pattern that just isn't there.
As for your original post, I'm kinda with Gunslinger but ONLY because you posted a work in a gaming fan fic forum mainly used by teenagers who, more likely than not, speak english as a second (or maybe third?) language.
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staple wrote:
Don't worry guy I am horrible with it as well.
Anyways since we are so offtopic already, I guess I'll just post it here.
+++
He dreams
--
To be seen but not judged, but not fall victim to prejudice
To be incapable of pretense
To speak his mind; with his mind, for his mind, and occasionally, against his mind
With clarity
To be heard and considered, or, he'd rather wish all who were listening to be deaf
To listen
To understand what is said
To amend, compliment and comment on what he understands
To see through the abyss, through the dark tunnel
That is narrow-mindedness
To have faith
Undoubtable
True, convincing, and independent faith
To be blessed
Enough to both receive and give.
To see all of this world, in all of its colours and all of its scenery
Oblivious to all incompetence and human behaviour
To unravel the mysteries of this world and then
To create more than he has solved
More compelling, intriguing mysteries
To see his poetry being read
To hear it voiced
To be permitted to acknowledge their understanding of it
To sing his songs - perform them, and
To read the joy it brings on the faces of his audience
To crush negativity down to its simplest form
Doubt
And then to transform that doubt into certainty
Which in its turn gives birth to
Positivity
To take initiative when opportunities arise
To rebel against that which is wrong
To fight for that which is right
And never have to be asked to justify his actions
For they must be of such sorts that they justify themselves.
To have been born a normal, average child
And then to pass away having been extra-ordinary and independent
To hear the eulogy written for him, to read it
To weep to this dirge
To mourn along with its small audience
Such are the dreams of this man
A man: illiterate, dumbfounded, deaf, blind
And possibly insane
--
Don't worry guy I am horrible with it as well.
Anyways since we are so offtopic already, I guess I'll just post it here.
+++
He dreams
--
To be seen but not judged, but not fall victim to prejudice
To be incapable of pretense
To speak his mind; with his mind, for his mind, and occasionally, against his mind
With clarity
To be heard and considered, or, he'd rather wish all who were listening to be deaf
To listen
To understand what is said
To amend, compliment and comment on what he understands
To see through the abyss, through the dark tunnel
That is narrow-mindedness
To have faith
Undoubtable
True, convincing, and independent faith
To be blessed
Enough to both receive and give.
To see all of this world, in all of its colours and all of its scenery
Oblivious to all incompetence and human behaviour
To unravel the mysteries of this world and then
To create more than he has solved
More compelling, intriguing mysteries
To see his poetry being read
To hear it voiced
To be permitted to acknowledge their understanding of it
To sing his songs - perform them, and
To read the joy it brings on the faces of his audience
To crush negativity down to its simplest form
Doubt
And then to transform that doubt into certainty
Which in its turn gives birth to
Positivity
To take initiative when opportunities arise
To rebel against that which is wrong
To fight for that which is right
And never have to be asked to justify his actions
For they must be of such sorts that they justify themselves.
To have been born a normal, average child
And then to pass away having been extra-ordinary and independent
To hear the eulogy written for him, to read it
To weep to this dirge
To mourn along with its small audience
Such are the dreams of this man
A man: illiterate, dumbfounded, deaf, blind
And possibly insane
--
this makes me think of literature classes.
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Excuse me
Is this literature class or DS fanfict class??
Damn,even I can't find those hard word in my dict
I think much ppl can't enjoying read ur story(or poem?)
Sorry
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a ds literature class studying a fanfict named.....Aftermath
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